How the pattern works

The over functioner usually knows exactly who they are. “I plan everything. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t happen. Why do I have to ask? Why can’t he just see what needs to be done?”

The under functioner rarely sees themselves that way. They’re usually doing things, just different things, on a different timeline. And what they often feel is this: “Whatever I do is wrong. She already knows how she wants it done. If I do it differently, I get criticised. If I do nothing, I get criticised too. Maybe she’d be happier if I just got out of the way.”

Both people end up exhausted, resentful and alone. It’s the opposite of a team. You feel like you’re at war with the person you’re actually on the same side as.

The reason it’s so hard to break is that the two roles feed each other. The more one person controls, the more passive the other becomes. The more passive they become, the more the first person controls. It’s a downward spiral, and it can’t be fixed by waiting for your partner to change. You have to change your role in the pattern, the way a chess player has to decide to play a different move.

It starts with a belief

Over functioning almost always begins with a belief like “it’s all up to me” or “I can’t rely on anyone.” Often it goes back to childhood, to being the first born or being handed a lot of responsibility young. And once you believe it, you collect evidence for it. Everything your partner forgets or does differently becomes proof.

Underneath the control is usually fear. And anything done from fear creates more fear, which is why your partner tends to move away from you rather than towards you. Kids feel it too. They pick up on the energy in a home far more than the words.

So the first step is to question the belief:

• Is it really true that everything is up to me?
• Is it really true that if I don’t do it, nothing will get done?
• Is controlling everything actually making me feel safe?

For Aston, the honest answer was no. In her body she felt stressed, not safe. Her cortisol was high. And when she really understood that it isn’t all up to her, she could finally begin to relax and let things go.

If you don’t do it, the world doesn’t stop. Some things won’t get done exactly your way, and that’s part of being an adult. Life still happens and things still get done.

The exercise: write down everything you’re carrying

Aston once asked a client who was deeply unwell and overwhelmed to write down everything she took responsibility for, every day, for a week. Then to go back through the list and highlight everything that was not actually hers.

The list was long. It included her husband’s haircuts, his medical scripts and his doctor’s appointments. He had never asked her to do any of it. And he wasn’t appreciating it either, because it made him feel controlled, like she didn’t believe he was capable. So he showed up exactly that way and became more and more passive.

When she started handing those things back with love, something shifted. The first week, the haircut didn’t happen, and the world didn’t end. The next week it did. He got his script. He made it to the doctor, not on her timeline, but it happened. He started to believe in himself. She felt more supported. The kids felt less pressure in the house and began making their own beds and taking responsibility without being asked.

She had more time, more energy and a different marriage.

If you’re the under functioner

This part matters just as much. Asking your partner to tell you what to do is helpful, but as adults we also need to take responsibility.

Get curious about what you could take full ownership of. There is a difference between help and ownership. Help is doing one part and waiting to be told about the rest. Ownership is a full end to end process. You initiate it, you finish it, and your partner doesn’t have to do anything else with it. No reminders required.

That is what builds trust. It gives your partner evidence that it’s safe to hand things off, and it starts a positive loop where a brand new pattern can form.

If your go to line is “nothing I do is enough,” try tracking how often you say it. Ask yourself whether you’re using it as a reason to not even try. Many men are reliable, decisive and respected at work, then come home and leave all of that at the door. This isn’t about pleasing your partner. It’s about building your own self respect, and becoming someone she can consistently rely on.

And a note for the over functioners: the more you control him, the less capable he feels, so the less he does. No amount of control has ever motivated anyone into action.

Questions to reflect on

If you’re the over functioner:

• Where am I doing things my partner is actually capable of doing?
• Where have I confused responsibility with control?
• What am I genuinely afraid would happen if I stopped managing everything?
• Are these beliefs actually true?

If you’re the under functioner:

• What role am I playing in this pattern, and what is the impact?
• What could I take full ownership of, from start to finish?
• Am I someone my partner, my friends and my children can rely on?

The one question to change

Most people ask, “How do I get my partner to change?” Try asking this instead: “What part am I playing in this dynamic, and how do I change my role so we create more of what we want?”

If you’re the over functioner, that means doing less. If you’re the under functioner, it means stepping up and owning something. Either way, you’ll notice the pattern begin to shift.

Listen to Episode 57

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If this episode sounds like your marriage, watch the video linked at the end of the episode, where we share the five step framework we use to take couples from disconnected to deeply connected. It’s the process that turned our own marriage around and the one we’ve now used with thousands of couples.

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