What it’s like for her

Many of the women we work with at this stage have spent their whole lives as doers. High achieving, independent, capable. The one who gets everything done and ticks off the list.

Then menopause arrives, and their identity changes without them choosing it. Sleep goes. Energy goes. Their body aches. Their tolerance drops. They feel touched out and overwhelmed, and they have no idea why.

For a lot of women, this is also the moment decades of people pleasing catch up with them. Many only started learning about boundaries in their late 30s or early 40s. Before that, they said yes while their body was saying no, over and over again. Eventually the body stops cooperating.

If this is you, hear this clearly: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken and you’re not going crazy. You’re going through a transition, one our society has largely forgotten how to honour, and you’ll be rediscovering parts of yourself you haven’t met in decades.

What it’s like for him

On the other side, he’s watching you change. And most men have a very limited understanding of what’s actually happening.

So he makes it mean something about him. When you want space, he hears “she doesn’t want me.” When nothing seems to land, he decides “nothing I do is ever right.” He quietly wonders whether this is what the rest of his marriage looks like. He may feel rejected, confused, helpless, and afraid of losing the woman he’s loved for most of his life.

He’s asking himself a hundred questions. Do I give her space or move towards her? Do I initiate or stop altogether? Do I try to fix this, or just listen?

Adam has these conversations with men all the time, and there’s far more going on inside their heads than most women realise. He may not be saying much. But he is trying to work it out.

Why “she’s just hormonal” makes it worse

One of the most damaging things a man can say during this season is “it’s just her hormones.”

The moment you label her that way, you stop learning. There’s no curiosity and no openness. You’re telling her it’s her problem to deal with alone, and that’s exactly what makes her feel more isolated.

Early in our marriage, Adam went through a mental health challenge. If Aston had responded to every hard moment with “that’s just his anxiety” or “it’s his depression again,” he would have felt dismissed and alone. Most of us know better than to treat mental health that way now. So why do we still do it with menopause?

Hormones play a part, of course. But labelling it as “just menopause” is another way of saying “nothing here is in my control.” And that simply isn’t true.

A far more honest response sounds like this: “I don’t know what’s happening, but I can see you’re going through something. I’m not going to put all the responsibility on you. We’re in this together, and I’m here.”

A different way to look at it

Here’s a perspective most people haven’t considered.

Menopause doesn’t cause every problem. What it does is remove your capacity to keep tolerating or ignoring things that were already there.

Many of the women who find this transition hardest have been through a lot in their lives. A difficult childhood, relationships ending, health struggles, family challenges. The specifics don’t matter. What matters is that it was never processed. It was pushed down so they could keep going, keep holding it all together.

Menopause isn’t a sign to try harder. It’s the opposite. It’s an invitation to pause and finally create the space you’ve never had to process what you’ve been carrying for decades.

Many women fight this transition. They fight their bodies, fight the fact they can’t hold everything together anymore, fight themselves. But force only creates more exhaustion. The women who move through it with grace are the ones who learn to surrender, allow and let go. And from that place, a much deeper connection with their partner becomes possible.

From enemies back to partners

When couples go through menopause together, we often see criticism, contempt and blame. It’s protection, because the whole experience is uncomfortable for both of you.

The antidote is compassion, and it has to flow in both directions.

Stop asking “What’s wrong with you?”, “Why have you changed?” or “When are you going back to normal?” Start asking “What is this like for you?” and “What do you need from me?” Then listen without trying to fix anything.

Understanding someone doesn’t mean you have to fully get their experience or agree with every part of it. It simply means being willing to say, “I understand that might be what it’s like for you.”

And if you’re the one going through menopause, create space for him too. Ask him what this season has been like for him. Not to make it about him, but because he may be grieving something as well. Something is ending, and something new is trying to be born.

You’re not meant to go back

So many couples in this stage keep asking, “Can’t we just go back to how things were?”

You can’t. And you’re not meant to.

The goal isn’t to get your old marriage back. It’s to learn how to love and support the people you are today, and to become the 2.0 version of yourselves and your marriage together. What if menopause isn’t the end of your relationship, but the moment that asks you to recreate it?

Growth is uncomfortable. It is change, and most of us resist change even while wanting everything to get better. But on the other side of that discomfort is the connection, intimacy and partnership you’ve been missing.

Where to start

If menopause is affecting your relationship right now, don’t just sit in the same experience and hope it improves. Learn something new and try something different.

A great starting point is Recreate Your Relationship Online, our free three part video series covering the fundamentals we teach at our live events. Get access here.

You may be surprised at how beautiful things can become.

Listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or YouTube.